There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
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