now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
