Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
