I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She told me I should be a condom model.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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