So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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