I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
