the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
