The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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