When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
