I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
