dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
