I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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