My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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