Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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