apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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