did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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