Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
even my farts smell like vagina
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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