we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
