he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
soo... how was my night?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
