I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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