I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
