I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
