The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
