im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
