so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
