We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
