Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this boner is exhausting
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
