Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
