i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
