Little spoons don't ask big questions
this boner is exhausting
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
