whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
