My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
