is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
