all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
