He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
