don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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