you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
