You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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