My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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