I just saw a hot homeless man
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
