he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
