i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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