There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
