Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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