I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
