this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
