Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
