The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
