Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
