My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
