It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
